I’m pretty sure all my friends here in the South are very familiar with the startling coming-upon of roaches. It might happen while you are gazing across the room, or like it did just now, when the dog is staring at seemingly nothing on the wall. That nothing FLIES onto the ceiling and proceeds to crawl upside down zooming towards the fresh fruit that you just bought. One of the most upsetting things about roaches is that they never seem to die. In our house, roach-hunting is taken very seriously. Ever since the old apartment where there literally was a roach infestation our killin’ skillz are off the charts. Here are some pointers in successfuly overtaking and destroying the goddamn roaches. 

1. Don’t scream like a little child.

2. Keep your mouth shut and your eyes peeled.

3. If alone, create barriers in which the roach will be forced to stay within.  If two or more people are present send the dorky one in first to crawl on the floor to the opposite side of the beast.

4. If it’s a biggun’, use some sort of net. We just used a plastic bag, works well. The big ones can fly, making it very difficult to make the final strike. Nets enable full coverage and makes the roach’s escape near impossible.

5. Don’t grab whatever is closest to squish the roach. You might realize it’s your paycheck. Use junk mail or an old shoe in each hand to create defense mechanisms. 

6. However you finally conquer the roach, make sure you almost decapitate it or I promise it WILL still be alive and well.

7. Last but not least, moral support. If it’s just you chant “I can do it, you will die” out loud, if not alone encourage whomever is making the moves at that point. 

Points if you punch the roach.